I used to be the center of attention. I used to be the class clown. I used to brave.
In Grade 7 I remember standing out because of my desk. Sure, I had a desk like the rest of the class. But I didn’t like it much. I preferred not to use it. So most days, you could find me in the front left corner of the class, directly behind the teacher’s desk, sitting on top of her 5 drawer filing cabinet. She didn’t seem to mind much. I behaved, for the most part. I got all my work done too. I just liked to be different.
In High School I went through an odd phase of odd clothes. Refer to this blog At Least I Never Fell Off The Stage… for more on that. I wore clothes 8 sizes too big and in very bright colors as well. I was the only guy in a high school of 900 that did. Being different didn’t bother me. It was all in good fun.
I remember one time taking the stage in my church on a Sunday. I loved my old church. It had been the same for 637 years and it needed to be shaken up a little. I decided that I was the guy that was going to shake it. So instead of a safe song from the hymnal, and on the opposite end of the spectrum from the country/gospel/bluegrass, I looked to the sound booth from the stage – with my pants on backwards by the way – and gave the nod to the sound man who hit the background track for “Jesus Is Just Alright” by dc Talk. I was pretty sure I’d be banned from church for the rest of my life, but I was willing to take the risk. Instead it became the first of several performances!
I used to be fearless. Confident. Full of self esteem. I used to not care. I did what I did because it was what I did. You could like it or not. Accept it or not. That was entirely up to you. I didn’t need approval. I just liked to be different and wasn’t afraid to be noticed in the process.
To know divorce is to know rejection. Rejection so great can change a man. I want it to be known that I do not blame my ex-wife. I blame divorce, and divorce takes two people. In the face of such a huge rejection, it would seem that I lost site of that man I used to be. I wrote a bit about this a couple days ago. Refer to the blog In Search Of Myself for more on that.
I recently attempted to date again, and my first “try” so to speak, was with one of the most wonderful young ladies I’ve ever had the privilege to know. A woman who could brighten the darkest day with her laugh, who could melt you with her smile. A woman who defined joy by how she lived her life. In some ways, she reminded me of how I used to be.
On our first “official date” as I called it, though not our first time meeting, I picked her up at her place and she was unaware of the plans for the evening. As we set off on our way she asked what we would be doing and I said, “we’re going to a karaoke bar.” She looked somewhat concerned. I’m not sure if it was the mention of karaoke, bar or both.
I proceeded to explain to her that I was going to sing her through a century of music. I’d begin with the music of the silent films of the 20’s, and this would, no doubt, be my best performance. Moving into the 30’s, it would be songs made famous by Fred Astaire. The 40’s, songs made famous by none other than Mr Frank Sinatra. The 50’s would be devoted to the Golden Age of Rock N’ Roll. For the 60’s I’d treat her to my favorites from the Motown era. My plan for the 70’s was to divide them equally between the Disco sounds of the Bee Gees and the Folk melodies of Sweet Baby James… James Taylor. The 80’s would belong to Huey Lewis and The News, one of my favorite bands to emerge from that decade. I was also considering throwing in a little bit of “Wake Me Up Before You Go” by Wham. The 90’s… none other than MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice! I suspected I’d do well in this decade, or, at the very least, I’d be stinking entertaining! I’d wrap the evening up with music from our current decade and planned to devote it entirely to my personal favorite… Michael Buble!
At this point, had the doors not been locked, and the traffic moving swiftly on the QEW, I’m quite sure she would’ve removed herself from the vehicle. In the end… we went mini putting! Who was I kidding anyway? I wasn’t going to sing karaoke!
You know what… a couple of years ago, I would’ve actually done it. I would’ve made a fool of myself, but I would’ve been able to guarantee that it would’ve been the most memorable first date she’d ever go on in her life, even if it would’ve likely been my last with her!
I didn’t realize it until after we stopped seeing each other, but I’ve lost that carefree, fearless spirit that once filled me. As a result, while I was getting to know this young lady, and giving her the chance to get to know me, I played it safe. I see now that what I was doing was trying to protect myself from rejection. The irony is that, ultimately, I may have very well set myself up for failure!
I don’t mean to say that I lied or misrepresented myself, I don’t believe I did. Perhaps I just didn’t fully represent myself. But, the reason for that is because I have lost that part of myself, and it took another loss to help me realize it.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of praying and a lot of soul searching over the past week. I’ve been reflecting on some of the changes that have taken place in my life in the past couple of years. I don’t know if I’ll ever make full sense of them, and maybe I’m not supposed to. At the very least though, I want to learn from them, and, Lord willing, grow from them!
Sometimes it’s good to just remove yourself from life for a while. To spend a little time looking in the mirror. Not just at your physical reflection mind you, but really looking deep. You’d be surprised what you can learn. One thing I’ve learned is that I want to be fearless again.
I suffered a deep, intense hurt. A hurt that brought me to my knees. I have two choices now. To stay there, accepting a life of defeat. An adequate, safe life. Or to stand up, brush off, and risk it all again. For it is in this, that I will find a life of abundance and victory.
“I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” John 10:10
I am sorry for not taking a chance with the young lady I dated. I was afraid to be free. To be fearless. To be me. I’m sorry I was too afraid to risk it. She most certainly would’ve been worth it. There is a great karaoke spot on Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls. It’s right on the street with TV monitors on a post so the tourists walking along can watch. I should’ve taken her there. I should’ve sang! Lord grant me the courage to risk it all next time! Help me be me again!
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