Archive for July, 2009
This Will Be
I tried online dating. There. I said it. It’s out in the open. I’m not entirely sure what I’m expecting to happen next, though I admit I’ve had visions of pointed fingers, ridicule and, in one particular scenario, people threw tomatoes at me. What can I say? I have a vivid imagination at times. I’ve held this truth inside like a dirty little secret. Like the way everybody loves to listen to “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” by Wham in private, but when it comes on the radio in public, they act like it’s the dumbest song ever.
It’s not supposed to work this way, or at least, that’s what I tell myself. I’m if I’m going to be honest, I think that’s why I’m embarrassed by it. Who relies on an online dating service to find their true love? Fred & Ginger never had computers or the interweb or email and they got to together every time! I know… I have all the movies on DVD. That said, it still gets me, right here, every time Meg Ryan says, “I wanted it to be you” to Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail.
I don’t go out much. OK, I don’t go out ever. As I looked at the circumstances of my life, I realized that I had 3 options for meeting women. Work. Church. Fire. I’m not convinced that mixing business with pleasure is ever a good idea, so I’ve avoided dating anybody at work. I’m also not particularly fond of the idea of dating married men, and there are a lot of those at CKPC. I suppose that has been a factor too.
My church is pretty small, and it seems to me that there aren’t very many, if any, single women in it. Truth be told, I sit in the back corner by the door, sneaking in as soon as the service starts, and sneaking out as soon as it ends. I’ve definitely looked around the room or time or two though, you know… just to see what I see.
The idea of meeting a woman at a fire call certainly has a rugged, romantic appeal, in a Hollywood movie kind of way. The hero (that would be me) forcefully charges into the burning building. He pays no attention to the dangers that surround him. His only thoughts are on finding the damsel in distress (do they even say damsel anymore?) and rescuing her. With all the grace of a Mack truck he bursts his way through the closed door, runs to the fair maiden, tosses her over his shoulder, and carries her right into happily ever after! How great would that be?
Since it became alarmingly obvious to me that none of my limited social settings were going to prove fruitful in the quest for true love, and since my social awkwardness was going to keep me from just walking up to random women in the grocery store, I determined a new strategy was in order. With that in mind I prayed this prayer…
Dear God. It’s me. Marc. Wait… you knew that. Sorry. Anywho, here’s the deal. I’m an odd sort of guy you know? I mean, I don’t like the things that a lot of people like. I think different. I work different. I watch old movies, and I listen to old music. I call the woman at the checkout counter ma’am, and I still open the doors for ladies at Walmart, even though the feminist independents get a little cranky with me about it. That’s OK though. I do it anyway. I’m a bit of an old soul, I guess, and I’m looking for somebody that would be OK with that. I’m not a social animal. I like quiet nights in. I like to take spontaneous drives and random walks in the wilderness. You already know this. I’m rambling. OK, so God, here’s the thing. If You could find the perfect girl for me and send her to my apartment, that would be really cool. Thanks so much. You’re the best! Amen.
I really prayed that prayer. Just like that too. Then I waited. And I waited some more. Then I checked with the landlady to make sure my name was beside the right apartment number on the directory inside the front door. I switched apartments about a year ago, and I wanted to make sure they had me listed in the right one. Then, I waited some more.
One day, I was thinking about things, and how it didn’t seem to be working out for me. Then it hit me. It’s not very gentlemanly to expect a lady to come to your apartment on a first date. In fact, that’s just downright inappropriate! I tell you with the utmost sincerity that my intentions were entirely pure. Nevertheless, my mom, and maybe even my grandma, would have some pretty strong thoughts on such behaviour! So with that, I apologized to God for not thinking it through in the first place. Then I joined eHarmony.
I confess now that I went into this venture, which began in January, with an attitude of defeat. It’s just not how I pictured it in my mind. Boy meets girl. Girl notices boy and smiles. Boy’s knees get weak. Boy faints. Boy comes around, stands up, dusts off, looks around to see if anybody notices, then tries to act cool for girl – she wasn’t supposed to notice. Girl giggles – she noticed. Boy’s heart flutters. Boy says something witty. Well, boy tries to say something witty. Mostly he just stumbles over his words. Girl smiles. Boy’s knees get weak again. Boy realizes that he needs to find a way to end this embarrassing merry-go-round. Boy asks girl out for Dr Pepper. Girl says yes. Romance ensues. Love blossoms. Happily ever after begins. Nowhere in this entire drawn out fantasy that has played over and over and over in mind is there a scene where boy emails girl and doesn’t even know her name!
The first step to fixing a problem is recognizing you have one. I had a problem. I was embarrassed about online dating. So embarrassed that it took me months before I even told my parents. I didn’t want anybody to know because I felt like less of a man. Like geekboy, sitting in his bedroom playing online chess with Herbert from Zimbabwe until 4 o’clock in the morning.
Recently, I realized that maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe it’s not nearly as socially unacceptable as I had made it out to be in my head. I have confessed before, I tend to over-think things. This may have been one of those things.
I am not convinced that I will meet my dream girl through an online dating site. However, I am now also not convinced that I won’t. That was a big step for me because maybe I can try a little harder, or take it a little more serious, or at least not be so dang humiliated by the idea of it! And in the end, if eHarmony provides me with nothing else, at least they reintroduced me to a great song by Natalie Cole that I had long since forgotten and that was worth the price of membership alone!
You Googled What?
I think it’s time for another exciting edition of “You Googled What?” where I will highlight some of the bizarre Google searches people have conducted and in turn, found my blog.
Search Term: the only person to survive the swine flu
Search Engine: Google New Zealand
Blog Post: What Happens If You Survive The Swine Flu (View It)
Thoughts: Considering that 99% of the population doesn’t actually have the swine flu, I find it interesting that this individual is looking for it’s only survivor. It makes it sound like every other person is dead. I hope their search provided them with a laugh though!
Search Term: what could happen if i get the swine flu
Search Engine: Google United Kingdom
Blog Post: What Happens If You Survive The Swine Flu (View It)
Thoughts: When this post came up, I bet they messed their pants! I’m sorry I missed that! HA!
Search Term: spanked with wooden spoon videos
Search Engine: Google US
Blog Post: Ode To A Wooden Spoon (View It)
Thoughts: There is no video evidence. In fact, there probably isn’t even photo evidence. But rest assured… my butt was introduced to a wooden spoon on numerous occasions. If the individual searching for video was disappointed by the lack of motion picture evidence, I hope they at least found a story that they could relate to!
Search Term: angels doing cpr
Search Engine: Google South Africa
Blog Post: What It’s Like To Be A Firefighter (View It)
Thoughts: I certainly do not consider myself to be an angel, though I have done CPR more times than I’d wish to recall. I’m not exactly sure what this individual was looking for specifically, but I find it odd that they ended up on my blog. Thanks for reading in South Africa!
Search Term: very hairy legs woman
Search Engine: Google Peru
Blog Post: Protecting You From My Hairy Chicken Legs (View It)
Thoughts: I’m not entirely sure how to feel about this one. I mean, I did write a post about my hairy legs… but I promise I’m NOT a woman!!!
Search Term: Jesus cornfield
Search Engine: Google Australia
Blog Post: Friday Night In The Cornfield (View It)
Thoughts: I write my blogs for me. That said, however, I’d like to think that maybe, somehow, God might find a way to encourage, inspire, provoke thought, or instigate joy through them. Of all the random search terms that bring people to my blog, this one made me smile the most. I told a story about a night I found Jesus standing in a cornfield. I don’t know what this person was looking for specifically, but I’d like to believe that maybe, just maybe, through this post, it helped them find it.
Search Term: blitz pain spray
Search Engine: Google Canada
Blog Post: Pull Over! (View It)
Thoughts: I have no sweet clue what this post has to do with “blitz pain spray” and I’m sure the person that found it on the search didn’t either!
And finally…
Search Term: marc scott
Search Engine: Google Canada
Blog Post: Blog Home (View It)
Thoughts: OK, which one of you is cyber-stalking me?
